Disclaimer: All thoughts in the current context are purely personal. Any resemblance to any real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I never knew that marriages could broadly be classified into Love marriage and Arranged marriage until people asked me which kind of marriage I did. My next question to any of them would immediately be "What love means in a love marriage?" or "What is arranged in an arranged marriage?". None of them would give me a prompt reply. They would always try pulling my leg until I reply them only with "Love marriage". But even now, I cannot differentiate between the two. I tell you why.
Were there these categories in the olden days? When did we start hearing the term 'Love' marriages? Not even 50 years. In a country which has a history and culture over thousands of years, if we are witnessing a new style and new kind of marriage, we need to know the history and the concept of marriage from the ages. Please bear with me, u will have a good ending.
India - A land of traditions, rich culture and heritage since thousands of years. As time had kept changing, the traditions also changed. What do I mean by traditions? Am I speaking about rituals or the purpose there of? My answer would be both. There are many different religions, sects, subsects, castes, cultures, languages in our country. Each section of the society have described their life styles in certain definite fashion. The way they carry out their works, the way they prepare food, eat, treat illnesses, treat the others, speak, behave, etc. Hence there were hundreds or thousands of sects in our country.
People were assessed based on where they were born, the sect they belonged to, the language they spoke, etc. Each sect had its own way of doing things, hence the difference. Ages before, the castes were formed based on the work they did. As for example, there were gold smiths (vishwa brahmins), weavers and carpenters (padmasaalis), merchants (vyshyas), priests (brahmins), kings (Rajputs), etc. Each community had their own independet skill in their work. Hence their own traditions and customs. There came the sub sects based on the regions they belonged to. As for example, there are lot of sects in Brahmins in India. In Tamil Nadu, there are Iyers (Vadama and others), Iyengars(Vadagalai, Tenkalai), etc. Brahmins who migrated from TamilNadu to Andhra Pradesh were called Dravidas. Now there are Konaseema dravidas who settled in the coastal belt of A.P., the Arama dravidaas, who settled in Draksharamam (East Godavari Dt.), the Thummagunta Dravidas, who settled in Thummagunta (Nellore Dt.), etc. Likewise there are 6000 Niyogis, Golconda Vyaparis, Vaideeka (Velnatlu, Veginatlu, Telaganyulu, Mulakanaatlu), and many other sects in A.P. In Kerala, we find Nambeesans, Naboothiris; Karnataka and Maharashtra we find Saraswat Brahmins (Chitrapur, Gowd, Rajapur,etc.), etc. Please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmin_communities to find all the brahmin communities. Likewise, in almost all the castes, viz. Vysyas (Arya, Kalinga, etc.), Kapu (Munnur, Balija, etc.), Kamma, Raju, etc., there are lot of sub sects prevailing since hundreds of years.
Marriage, a tradition that is commonly followed in all the sects also has been performed in their own styles. Right from searching the bride or the bride groom until the couple finally starts their own life independently, there are various practices that are followed in every sect of our country. But there are many customs and practices that are commonly followed among all the sects. Since Indians believe that they are descendants of the great rishis, they share some gothras (rishi dynasty) in common throughout the country. All the castes and sects have the same rishis as their ancestors. A Gotra is the lineage clan assigned to a Hindu at birth. In most cases, the system is patrilineal and the gotra assigned is that of the person's father. Other names used to refer to it are Vansh, Vanshaj, Bedagu, Purvik, Purvajan, Pitru. An individual may decide to identify his lineage by a different gotra, or combination of gotras. For example Lord Rama was Surya Vansh , also known as Raghu Vansh. This was because Lord Rama's great-grandfather Raghu became famous. Marriages within the gotra ("swagotra" marriages) are banned under the rule of exogamy in the traditional matrimonial system. People within the gotra are regarded as kin and marrying such a person would be thought of as incest. In some communities, where gotra membership passed from father to children, marriages were allowed between uncle and niece, while such marriages were forbidden in matrilineal communities, like Malyalis and Tuluvas, where gotra membership was passed down from the mother. A much more common characteristic of south Indian Hindu society is permission of marriage between cross cousins (children of brother and sister). Thus, a man is allowed to marry his mother's brother's daughter or his father's sister's daughter but is not allowed to marry his father's brother's daughter, a parallel cousin, who is treated as a sister. Marriage, after all is a tradition where a bride and a bride groom marry each other following certain rituals announcing themselves as a couple to the entire society. All the elders and the people in their community bless the couple. All of them celebrate the feast with luncheons and dinners.
Now that I spoke about what 'Marriage' in India means, I will speak about the types of marriages. How does one choose the pair to be coupled? Girl born at a place, boy born in another family, another place, another time. How do one gets to know the details of the 'match' ?
If the details of the pair to be married are known from the elders, relatives or any other source other than the bride and the bridegroom themselves, it is said to be an Arranged marriage. If the details are brought by the pair themselves, it is a Love marriage. In arranged marriage, the elders look for the horoscope match (hence the compatibility), the family background, the economical status, the members of the family and finally ask the bride and the groom to look at each other (In olden days, this provision was not there; The couple does not even look at each other until the marriage is performed.). The customs have been changing with the time. Decades before, there used to be girls in minority numbers and boys in majority numbers. Girls used to choose the boy they wanted to marry in Swayamvara. Further the boy's family had to pay certain money to the girl's family as Kanyasulka. Time has changed and there were girls in majority numbers. Then started the Varakatna (Dowry), where the girl's family pays money to the boy's family. In early days, the elders of the family used to travel places in search of bride and get their boy married at the age below 15 years. The age difference between the boy and the girl used to be very large (nearly 10 years). Divorce rates were very low (almost NIL). Girl was taught to serve the boy's family, her husband, cook food for the family, do household jobs and raise their children. Times have changed and the lifestyles of pepole changed. Technology has been bringing changes in the lives of the people. Today we do not see weavers because we have machinery that produce clothes. Likewise, there are changes in the administration of the government and hence people no more are continuing their age old traditional jobs. Instead they are doing various other jobs. So the life style and the customs which were once bsaed on their jobs and their regions have been changing with the exodus of people who have been migrating from one place to the other in search of jobs. There has been an exponential exodus from the rural areas to the urban areas. In such a lifestyle, the traditions and customs no more are applicable and hence they changed. If we look at the current generation youth in the present day, there are a majority of youth working in private sectors in banks, IT firms, hospitals, retail stores, etc. All of these youth are travelling across the world. Their so called 'native' culture is not getting implemented and imbibed to them due to the changing lifestyles.
From generations, we have been watching the changes that are taking place in the society. Inter-caste or inter-religious marriage was a sin in the older days. Today the society is accepting such marriages. Women are working in large numbers compared to the women in the olden days. In this scenario, how are the 'arranged' marriages getting arranged when there are very meagre people who belong to the same sect are living together? Through relatives, matrimonial agencies, media (newspapers, internet, etc.). How well the girl's family is knowing about the boy's family? They are strangers before the marriage. No aquaintance at all. We are blindly believing the people and hence their family. Economy wise, there is a very large scale of economy today. Middle class has large limits and the limits are getting expanded. Therefore the marriages today are a kind of marketing and sale, unless one really knows about the other party. Today since the number of girls is very less compared to the number of boys and since the number of orthodox families are less in number, sect/sub sect/job are not being the criteria for selecting the match. Parents are being helpless in getting the matches. They are relying on external sources like marriage buereaus, friends and relatives. Hence the 'arranged' marriage is becoming difficult and worrisome.
Love marriages, on the other had, wherein the girl and the boy get to know about each other before introducing themselves as a couple to their elders, are hence increasing in numbers. Women in today's world, unlike women in the previous generations, are being treeated alike with men. They are also getting educated and are being raised similar to that of a male child. Women are working in every field and are travelling across the globe. In this scenario, the exposure of girls to boys and hence the opportunity of selecting ones spouse is more. People are working in teams, getting closer, sharing their thoughts and feelings and have started sharing the accomodations. In fact, they are living together, being away from their parents. Even though they are with their parents, they are choosing their own 'kind' of person for marriage. If the couple is liked by their elders, they make arrangements for their marriage and hence it would become a love - cum - arranged marriage. If their marriage happens without the consent of their elders, it would be called a pure Love marriage. In either case, the couple are solely responsible for their 'love' and 'marriage'. As a matter of fact, divorce rates have increased exponentially these days compared to the olden days. Has that anything to do with the increasing 'Love' marriages? I say 'Yes'.
No doubt every person has certain likes and dislikes, which are subject to change anytime. If a boy and a girl claim that they love each other, what is it they are loving actually? Is it the physical beauty of the other person? Is it the tastes and interests that the other person has or is it the level of understanding the other person has with regards to this person? These love marriages happen in the age group of 18-30 years. That is the age when ones beauty is at the optimum in ones entire life; Age where the 'self' mind and body change with the external world; where the mind gets freezed; age where there is attraction in the beauty, sex and other worldy pleasures; In such an age group, how does one claim to 'Love' the other person?
Someone is unable to live without seeing the other person, without talking to the other person or without contacting the other person. Is this love? Are they eligible to get married? Will they be happy after the marriage till their lsat breath? If so, why are the divorce rates increasing in large numbers in the so called 'Love' marriages? If the current generation youth mean that they know what love is and hence are convincing the elders, does this mean that the people who lived and have been living since generations do not know what love means?
Here I am not talking about couples who are happy with their 'love' married lives. I am talking about cases who, upon marrying somebody who they loved, are breaking up their relations. According to me, love is something that is neither tangible nor measurable. It is just a feeling towards the other person. Practically, the amount of 'love' changes with the actions of the other persons. Hence it is tangible. Since you love someone more than the others, it is measurable also. Hence the term 'Love' does not fit in this kind of marriages. These marriages also are arranged, but they are arranged by the partners themselves. Hence name it as 'Self-arranged' marriage. Do not call it 'Love' marriage. If love is eternal, why are marriages not eternal? Because the marriages are self-arranged and since 'self' is always prone to change, the relationship changes.
Now comes the question, in either cases (arranged or self-arranged), since self is prone to change and since 'love' is being understood as behaving in the way the other person feels happy about, how to maintain healthy relationships throughout the lives? Go through my 'MARRIAGE AND LOVE - PART 2' for answers.
